To be or not to be? Using alternative venues for funeral services in Covid times, by an anonymous celebrant

Just before Christmas, a family I served over a decade ago asked me to conduct a funeral for them. This time, the circumstances were extremely tragic, totally unexpected & life changing for all concerned. A young woman in her prime was dead. Her parents, partner, siblings, friends & relatives were suddenly catapulted onto another plane in a parallel universe where they were completely lost. How could this have happened? Surely they’d wake up to find it wasn’t true… but it was… and the pain they felt was indescribable.

And like others who’ve been bereaved, they somehow had to engage in the bureaucracy surrounding death and the myriad decisions regarding the funeral arrangements.

In a Zoom call that followed, some family members couldn’t bear to look up or to speak – as if frozen in time and shock. But it was clear that the family wanted the service to be held in an alternative venue – a community hall – a place with historic associations for them and where they naturally felt they’d be more comfortable.

At one level I was excited about this. I’ve conducted many ceremonies in alternative venues, but never a funeral service. However, thoughts about the potential risks from the pandemic soon came to mind. And meanwhile, the family remained adamant about their choice of venue. I found I was losing sleep with worry, so I drew up a checklist with the pros and cons of using a community hall versus a crematorium with actions points for both. In the community hall the service could be longer & more informal. So, it would also be harder to refrain from hugging and generally coming into close contact – all things that are perfectly natural in ‘normal’ times. I myself would ‘normally’ be there open-armed and ready to dispense hugs to whoever needed one, especially before and after the service. 30 mourners were expected and apart from reminding them about social distancing, mask wearing and sitting in their family or social bubbles, I really didn’t feel I could ‘police’ the situation. Then there could be issues to do with ventilation, and moving around when it was someone’s turn to speak or while filming the proceedings - and so on.

My checklist was received, but minds were made up. For good measure I also sent it to their funeral director, who shared my concerns. I then checked with the community hall administrator as to whether or not they’d done a Covid risk assessment. It turned out that they had, but they also told me they’d shut the hall during the first lockdown. To my surprise, they appeared happy to keep the hall open during this third lockdown, to accommodate the funeral. They would open up the hall but we’d have been left to our own devices during the service. The family had arranged for a group of people to organise the tables and chairs on the day prior to the service. A different group would put them away afterwards.

My concerns grew by the day as all my efforts to sensitively inform the family about the risks fell on deaf ears. I knew from personal experience and from working with families that when your loved one dies, you’re not always in a rational or resourceful space. It’s much harder to think straight – never mind thinking ‘outside the box’, and decision-making can be both challenging and overwhelming.

After much thought and speaking with a funeral colleague, I finally resolved to tell the family that if they still wanted the community hall, then I couldn’t take the service - but yes, I would do it in a crematorium. Together with the funeral director we found another celebrant willing and able to do the service in the community hall, should the need arise. So, I was able to offer this alternative.

The family were taken aback – shocked even. While nowhere was going to be 100% Covid safe, I don’t believe they’d considered that the crematorium might be marginally more prepared and safer than the community hall. For one thing, they’ve had a lot more practice over this last year!

In the end, the family opted for the crematorium and I took the service a couple of weeks later. They had it on the day they wanted, but at a slightly earlier time. Feedback from the service was good and the family found the crematorium to be surprisingly ok!

Giving this family what was effectively an ultimatum about the venue, was extremely difficult. Celebrants & funeral directors strive to accommodate families in their care – provided everything is legal! But I do think that the massive tragedy of suddenly and unexpectedly losing their family member had temporarily ‘blinded’ them in their decision-making. In the community hall, among other things, it would’ve been much more difficult to put a boundary around the time spent together and we would all have been at greater risk. For me, our duty of care, especially in a pandemic, is to be prepared to say ‘No’ if the situation warrants it.

I am still in touch with this family and have offered some counselling to the chief mourner whenever she’s ready to take it up. After all, we go back a long way.

This was written in February 2021 by one of Poetic Endings’ recommended celebrants